every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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