I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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