this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
