Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
