i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
