Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
