I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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