When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize