youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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