Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
