He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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