it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
