i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
