The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
