then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
