and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
