Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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