i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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