he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
