wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
