i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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