There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
