Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
