he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
