if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize