She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ketchup is God's man juice
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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