you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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