dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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