I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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