while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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