I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
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