two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
