My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize