im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
