please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
