Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
