my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
