I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
