I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
