My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
