hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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