I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
