she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
