i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
