I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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