I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
