i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
