I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
