I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
