I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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