apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
