Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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