My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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