Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
