i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
