ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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