I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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