you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
