my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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