yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
