I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
