I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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