I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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