Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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