I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize