This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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