I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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