checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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