census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Your penis caused this!
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