Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
