and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
