GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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