I'm eating all of the evidence.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
