She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
