I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
